When I opened the envelope, I thought I knew what it would
say. In fact, I was so sure, I was already mentally planning my next steps.
But, what I expected was not what was printed in that letter. I was stunned and
stuck in the place I was standing.
What I read was good news, but it was also news that would disrupt
our world for a while.
It was news that sent my emotions, and my daughter’s, into a
freefall. I was instantly overwhelmed with the letter’s implications—the
details that would have to be quickly taken care of, the financial risk, and
how it would affect every member of our family, including our fur baby.
And did I mention the emotions?
Pouring out what I didn’t feel I had in me, I helped my
daughter process through what she was thinking and feeling. Between the two of
us, the fear, what ifs, and unknowns were too numerous to count. So were the
tears.
I spent the next day making phone calls and confirming
details, some I knew and some I’d just been made aware of. I sat at my kitchen
table and cried when one piece of news was better than I had anticipated. I
knew God had gone before us and was working out the details. And yet, I was
still scared.
How could I see God’s hand and all that He was working in
our favor and still be afraid? Because I’m human. {Tweet this}
I can be
thankful for God’s provision and still feel vulnerable.
I can trust Him and
still be unsure of what my next step is.
I can praise Him and still cry because
I feel so broken.
And, I can know God is with me and still feel afraid of what
I can’t see ahead.
The week before, I’d fallen in love with the song “O My Soul”
by Casting Crowns. I turned up the volume every time I heard it on the car
radio and decided it was my new favorite song. That same week, I found the CD
at the library and checked it out. Little did I know that my new favorite song
would get me through my overwhelming week.
“O My Soul” was on constant replay in the car and at work.
When I couldn’t listen to it, I heard the song in my head and thought about the
meaning of the lyrics. I cried and I prayed. I was overtired and worn out. I
wondered if I should stop listening to the song because I couldn’t listen to it
and not cry, especially on my way to work. But I couldn’t stop playing it—I
knew that one song was holding me together.
And that’s when I realized—God had given me something
audible to cling to that only He knew I would desperately need in the days to
come. His love and promises spoken to me in the way of music.
When I felt exhausted, I knew He was holding me.
When I felt empty, He
was filling me up.
And when I was unsure what to do next, He turned me in the
right direction.
God was healing me in ways I wasn’t aware I needed. {Tweet this}
It wasn’t immediate, but after a week or so, I could listen
to the song without shedding more tears. I felt calmer and stronger. Still
tired, but less worried.
There are still many unknowns, what ifs, and how will we? questions. But we’re taking
them one at a time and looking for where God has already sorted out the
details.
And I’m praising Him and thanking Him every step of the way.
In Christ,
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