How Comparison Almost Destroyed My Life by Barbie Swihart {Comparison Series}

Today, my guest in our "Comparing Ourselves to Others...and what it does to us"  series is Barbie Swihart. I first "met" Barbie in 2011 when I submitted a guest post to 5 Minutes for Faith and she was the editor. Since then, I've considered her a dear online friend. Barbie blogs at My Freshly Brewed Life and recently released her first devotional book, Coffee Talk With Jesus. I had the privilege of reviewing an advance copy of her book which you can read here: Coffee Talk with Jesus {Book Review}. Please make some time to visit Barbie on her blog, and join me in welcoming her here. ~Laura

I am not exactly sure when it took root in my heart. It’s something that, for as long as I can remember, has always been a part of me.

When I was a little girl, I was flanked on both sides by those who were more beautiful and more talented than myself, or so it seemed. I did all I could to conform, to be like those who I admired. Perhaps if I made myself look like them I would be accepted. Even as a little girl I wanted to dress to look like her, or walk like she did, or dance like that one.

God came into my life shortly after I graduated from high school and for the first few years, I was on cloud nine. I loved the Lord, and He loved me and life was perfect, or so it seemed.

Marriage came, and motherhood followed and for a while I was doing okay. But no one knew the deep depression and anxiety I experienced about not measuring up, about how I hated my body, about how I felt I could do nothing right, and how, no matter whether I heard it from his lips or not, my husband could never truly love me.

My displeasure with myself manifested in poor attitudes, angry lash outs and in shutting out the people I loved the most. Deep inside I was crying out for attention, yet I would push away those I loved because I felt unworthy of their affection.

In a matter of months, it all was about to come crashing down. 

It was an innocent attraction. I was in a very low point of my life and although I carried myself as one who was secure and loved on the outside, I was empty, lonely and dissatisfied with my life on the inside. All of the comparing I had done through the years leading up to my marriage was finally manifesting in ways I never knew existed. Why was her husband more affectionate? Why was her husband more gifted? Why did her husband bring her gifts? Why did her husband call her just because? Why couldn’t my husband do those things?

I had internalized all of the places of lack in my soul and made myself believe I was unsatisfied with my marriage, when in fact my eyes were turned to what I thought everyone else had, and onto what I thought I lacked. My vision was blurred and I could not see the blessing that God had put right in front of me. There was nothing wrong with my marriage. But there was something wrong with me. I had taken my eyes off of the one I loved and went in search of something, anything to satisfy my weary heart.

And there he was. This friend, this married man. At a point in my life where I felt misunderstood and longed after the life that others had, he paid attention to me. He told me things I longed to hear about myself. He put me up on a pedestal and made me feel special. All of a sudden, it didn’t matter what I felt about myself. He saw me differently. This attraction turned into an almost daily email connection with this man. What I didn’t realize was that deep down I was unsatisfied with my marriage, not because there was anything wrong with it, but because I was comparing it to what I saw, or appeared to see in the lives of other couples. I so desperately wanted more. This emotional affair lasted for about a year. Although I opened myself up in ways I should never have to this man emotionally, nothing physical ever happened. But the scary thing is, that it could have. I was so wrought with my own dissatisfaction in life that I almost turned my back on those I loved the most, for the momentary joy of gaining a life that I thought I wanted.

Comparison. It comes to kill, steal and destroy. It almost destroyed me.

During this time, I fell into a deep pit of despair. I was ridden with guilt and my vision of the real world was cloudy. I could not see the good in anything, especially myself. I remember one day driving across the bridge to go to work. I wondered, would anyone miss me if I drove the car off this bridge?” Anxiety and depression took over and I had to be put on medication for about a year just to function. In counseling, I realized that I was looking at a warped view of the world. “Things aren’t always what they appear to be,” the counselor had told me. “You do not know what is going on behind the walls of those people you continue to measure yourself against.” 

Thankfully, with God’s help and the love of my family, I was freed from the pit of despair. 

The enemy comes to kill, steal and destroy. But God’s desire is that we would live a rich and satisfying life, free of comparison. God is the only one who can satisfy the ache in our hearts.

Do you ache to be loved?

Do you ache to be accepted?

Do you ache to be known?

Will you pray and ask God to come and fill the ache that lies deep inside your heart? You are one of a kind, my friend. There is no one like you. You need not compare yourself or your life to others. The God of the universe sees you and leans over the balcony of heaven just to hear your voice. Turn your eyes to Him and allow Him to give you the rich and satisfying life that you desire.

*****

Barbie resides in Northern California with her husband of 25 years and four children. She works full time while juggling faith, family, ministry and writing. She enjoys a good cup of coffee, reading, painting and spending time with her family and friends. Barbie is the author of Coffee Talk With Jesus: Intimate Chats With The Savior and blogs at My Freshly Brewed Life, where she shares glimpses of His love and sprinkles of His grace for everyday living.   

Linking up with Sharing His Beauty and Soli Deo Gloria